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Joined: 23 Apr 2006
Location: USA

PostPosted: 2008.03.06(Thu)12:12    Post subject: Reply with quote

I remembered when I first really became active here, a lot of my common methods and practices were frowned on...and I'm sure still are. So I was challenged by questions of my peers here to proove how I get this to work threw discussion. Definsiveness is never a positive outcome...since your tanks and methods work well for about how they work for you and why you think that method is best. Instead of taking the "well you question my ways, then mine must be false" outlook. We have a lot to gain from each other and our diffrent methods. Post some pics up of your tanks and fish...prove that your systems are healthy and functioning as you say they are.

Now I have learned to keep my methods in check as far as posts go...I rarely reply to "stocking" threads because what I would do and what probably should be done are two entirely diffrent things. If I do reply to certain topics they are a little more tongue in check and geared toward what the poster is probably capable of. Just a few thoughts from somebody who has been there.
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Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Location: Calgary, AB

PostPosted: 2008.03.08(Sat)12:48    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have to agree with what others have said in this thread. I have followed Dusko's thread in the Bottomdwellers forum and I have seen other posts of Theresa's in other threads. I think CAllain hit the issue exactly:

However, you have to understand the difference between it being a personal experience, or something that you're personally responsible for, and being personally attacked.

I think Theresa mistakenly feels personally attacked when other members question what she has said.

Theresa, please try to accept that members here are not "out to get you" or humiliate you when you try to share your experience.

Please try to understand that the way you choose to describe your experience sometimes comes across to others negatively.

I believe you honestly want to share your experience to assist with the subject at hand. That's great! But when you share, you phrase things in a way that sometimes makes it difficult to take at face value. You use blanket statements a lot, you often refer to your methods as if they are commonplace across a wide population (ie, you say "we in Europe" etc), and you don't often go into more specific detail. This has a tendency to make your posts sound like you believe you are an authority and a representative of a large group of people who are supposedly doing everything the same as you (which can sound snotty/snobby/elitist).

There is a learning opportunity here that has nothing do to with fishkeeping but rather with communication skills. Theresa, this is something I have a lot of personal experience with. In my past I spent many years working in customer service and I struggled a LOT with taking customers' comments as personal attacks and it was very upsetting to me when I did. So, I know it is very hard to learn how to NOT take being questioned or challenged (regardless of the topic) personally. I respectfully think this is something you need to work on.

I have also had many struggles learning how to better communicate with other people so that they did not take my words offensively. I now spend a lot of time training other people and it's tough for a person like me to try and teach someone without inadvertently making them feel stupid in the process. I don't intend to make them feel that way but sometimes it happens without my realizing it. I have had to learn to be extra cautious about how I say something. Again, with respect, this is something you need to work on too.

The bottom line: I think the main issue is not what you say, but how you say it. If you can work on being more specific (using fewer blanket statements), giving more examples/details, only referring to your own experience (rather than saying "we"), and, probably most importantly, remembering that people who question you want you to share more details (this is how you back up your theories/experience), I think you'll see a marked difference in the responses you get. : )
What color is your straitjacket?
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Joined: 13 Feb 2006
Location: Denmark

PostPosted: 2008.03.08(Sat)17:00    Post subject: Reply with quote

I believe we all said what we had to say and many have spoken wisely, and I thank you for that (I feel proud for sharing this forum with people like you).

Theresa1 had a chance to reply to this thread, but she chose not to, and there fore there is no reason for us keeping this thread open.

Lets go back to fishy talk instead Razz Wink

This thread has been officially locked.

Kind regards, Dusko.
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